The Philistine Manifesto

I have been subjected to the biases and special pleadings of the artsy culture vultures long enough. They sneer at anything which isn't in their own mold (mould?) of avant-gardishness. They perpetuate stupid jokes by laughing at people who quite seriously say, "I may not know much about..______... but I know what I like."
It is time for the rest of us to revolt against this claptrap of self-indulgent behaviour which passes itself off as "the actualization of one's self potential," and which somehow has, unfortunately, [in Canuckland, at least] bedeviled enough politicians that fully 65.7% of our tax dollars go to supporting these alleged artistes through direct grants and purchases of junk [Voice of Fire - - need I say more?] that any sensible person would pay someone else to haul off to the municipal landfill site. It is time for a new organization to be formed to aid this revolution. To that end, I hereby announce the formation of

The P.L.O.

 The Philistine Liberation Organization welcomes as new members those who support this cause. The basic tenets of the PLO are divided into two general categories: things we like and things we don't like. An overall score of 80% qualifies you for membership.

Things we like

Things we don't like 
  1. Montovani's music - great stuff, easy listening.
  2. McDonald's burgers - good taste, fast service, ok price.
  3. Vinyl instead of leather for gloves, clothing, upholstery, etc. - cheaper, requires less care, more durable.
  4. Canadian wine - good high for the buck (in Ontario, anyway). In general, "Chateau Cardboard Box" is just fine.
  5. Shopping at Walmart - hey, they got some good stuff there, ya know.
  6. Commodore 64s - good games and they're real computers, too.
  7. Shopping Mall landscape art - isn't it amazing how real those pictures look?
  8. Barry Manilow's songs - they capture the true meaning of life.
  9. Hockey Night in Canada, Monday Night ____ball, etc. - great entertainment.
  10. "If I have to go to a 'concert', I hope they play some marches - you know, something I can hum along with and tap my feet to."
  11. Prime time television - when I get home from work, I don't want to have to think; I want to relax and feel good.
  12. Winnebagos - why go camping without some of the bare necessities of life?
  13. LaChoy Chinese dinners. - authentic and easy to fix.
  14. Pictures of dogs playing poker; they're *so* cute!
  15. Velvet Elvis paintings.
  16. Chicken Cordon Bleu; but other restaurants should follow Arby's lead and put it on a bun. With ketchup.
  17. Slim Whitman; he has an amazing vocal gift.
  18. Beer in cans. None of this "fancy rubber stopper" imported stuff. And forget the glass.
  19. Red meat.
  20. 8-track tapes or auto-reverse sound blasters: continuous play for Manilow and Whitman, of course.
  21. Cold pizza. It's not just for breakfast anymore!
  22. Velcro closures. Zippers, snaps, laces, buttons are all passe' and much less reliable.
  23. Belching contests.
  24. Watermelon seed spitting contests.
  25. Ripplesole shoes - great comfort.
  26. Burt Kaemfert and Lawrence Welk - good toe-tappin' music.
  27. Micky's Malt Liquor - "It gets you there quicker."
  28. Tuna casserole and lime jello - quick, easy, tasty, and sticks to your ribs.
  29. Boxcar Willie - the sounds of the lonesome road.
  30. Fake logs for the fireplace - easy to light, no messy wood chips [to tell the truth, we really prefer remote-controlled gas fireplaces. Or maybe those electric jobs with the light shining on a revolving dented tin can to emulate a flickering fire -- mmmm nice and homey.]
  1. Real flowers - they wilt and need care - plastic's much better.
  2. BMW's, Mercedes, etc. - I'll take an Econoline or an SUV any day.
  3. Gourmet food - so little food, such bad tastes, such high prices!
  4. 100% wool or cotton - they require too much and too costly care - give me polyester or acrylic instead.
  5. Symphony orchestra concerts - especially playing 20th century music.
  6. Real wood furniture - vinyl laminate is easier to care for and harder to damage.
  7. Birkenstock Sandals - footwear of the truly effete snobs.
  8. "Serious" drama - hey, for $25, and especially $125!!, it had better make me laugh --- a lot.
  9. Pictures that aren't pictures of anything.
  10. "Cocktail" parties that serve only Perrier and vegetables.
  11. PBS - if I wanted educational junk, I'd go to school.
  12. backpacking - you mean people really LIKE to be uncomfortable? That's sick.
  13. Restaurants that serve crepes, but don't bring you any syrup.
  14. And even if they do bring syrup, it's some horrid tasting stuff made from a tree; I much prefer Aunt Jemima's.
  15. French paintings that look as if the artist needed glasses.
  16. Silly magazines with no sports section.
  17. ...and no fold-out? You don't really read that stuff, do you?
  18. Hi-fi systems with too many controls, like "equalizers" & "Dolby."
  19. The Motion Picture Academy, for not giving "Rambo III" the Best Picture Award; damn snobs.
  20. sprouts of any kind.
  21. Restaurants with ferns - who needs an annoying plant in the face; especially one that sheds.
  22. salad bars.
  23. mixed drinks. Why bother?
  24. Herbal tea - there's a good reason this stuff never catches on.
  25. Any bar with stained glass (except maybe for beer stains).
  26. Carob powder.
  27. Foreign language menus - what pretentious snobs.
  28. Gourmet food with wine in it! - a fine wine should be shaken first and drunk from a bag, if possible.
  29. Meaningful (i.e. pretentious) Fellini and Bergman movies with no redeeming merit such as nudity or action or good music.

 

 
The purpose of our organization, it must be made clear, is to promote tolerance and open-mindedness -- to lampoon arrogance and self-indulgent pomposity. We don't really care if you like Shostakovich, escargot, and Birkenstocks. We also don't really care if you like Neil Diamond, pizza, and Kodiak Grebs. We do, however, become disturbed if you try to tell us what we should like; and we have apoplexy if you try to get us to pay for what you think we should like.

Want to join the P.L.O.? ok, you're probably already a member then. Want to add to the tenets? Mail your suggestions to me, and I'll keep a list. My e-mail address is

econoclast@cabletv.on.ca
Don't miss the reviews written by Ian Klymchuk.
And you will definitely want to look into attending our next annual conference!!

 We hope you read this announcement in the spirit that one might read, say, the drive-in movie reviews of Joe Bob Briggs.

"You know what I'd like? a little plastic container
of Hollandaise sauce for my Egg McMuffin." ---

Quoted from 5 & 1/2 year-old Joey Klymchuk --
Bless his little gourmet heart.

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