PLAYBOY'S TOASTThe truth to tell
I'm not too well,
But, dash it, life's so short
That tho' I may
Pass on to-day --
Let's have another snort!__ Robert McDaniel
GOOD-BYE TO A FLY
There he goes, that bloody fly,
That dares to partake of my pie;
If only he were not so high,
I'd show him soon the reason why!From our respective points of view,
We watch to see what each will do;
He'll make, I bet, a move he'll rue,
And then the beggar's doom is due.He zooms about at quite a rate,
Ah! Now he's landed on my plate;
At last my chance to seal his fate,
And ease him through the Pearly Gate.My pie again! O what a gall!
His manners certainly appall!
Take that! 'Tis done! Fly, pie, and all,
Are now all o'er the kitchen wall!__ Robert McDaniel
HANG OVER
She really tied one on last night~
It's no surprise she looks a sight;
Her fall downstairs gave all a fright,
I've never seen one get so tight.
But don't you fret, she'll be all right,
When her crimson eyeballs turn to white!__ Robert McDaniel
PARDON ME!
Suddenly I feel
The whole world's eyes on me!
No, you do not have to kneel,
'Tis not I'm royalty --
But only that, tho' hard I try,
I never think to zip my fly!__ Robert McDaniel
DATE WITH DESTINY
A saddened horse,
Tears in his eyes,
Went down the road,
Emitting sighs.For twenty years
He'd worked and slaved,
And never once
Had misbehaved.Now old and worn,
He'd been dismissed,
A useless beast
By no one missed.So on he went,
He cared not where,
Until he came
To the village square.'Twas there he met
With two young men,
Who said to him,
"We need you, friend"'"Someone wants me,"
Cried the horse,
"I knew I was
Not through life's course."And off they went,
The men and he;
He wondered what
His job would be.Alas! his fate
Is sad to hear --
Perhaps you've guessed
His end is near.But serving man
Was all he knew --
He does the same
Served up as glue!__ Robert McDaniel
THE FLU BUG
Abed I lay quite ill with flu;
'Tis even hard my food to chew;
My throbbing head goes round and round;
As hammers in my ears do pound;
A rasping cough just tears my throat -
On cough drops I just seem to dote;
But sometimes, when I wish I'd die
I'll think, and heave a grateful sigh -
'Cause tho' these things do rather irk,
I do not have to go to work!__ Robert McDaniel
FIGHT FOR DESTINY'S CHILD
Stand firm, thou struggling human race,
For whom the world's a fleeting base,
And think ye of your future place,
E'er all is lost.If think ye that your life is nowt,
Then, blast ye, for your weakening doubt,
Your enemies ye ne'er shall rout,
Tho' great the cost.But if ye ken that life is braw,
Then stand ye forth, defend your law,
And strike with might, tho' blood run raw,
In fury tossed.Thy destiny see crystal clear,
From out the truth that you hold dear
Shall rise a man not knowing fear,
Nor heart of frost.In future, Man shall seek his goal,
In helping others fill their role,
In infinitum, he'll greet his soul,
When space is crossed.__Robert McDaniel
RE-ORGANIZATION
A great convulsion has upset
The organizational structure,
And only time can now reveal
If there'll be a crucial rupture.Low rumblings from the distaff side
Show signs of discontent;
But naught will come of idle talk,
'Less full fury they do vent.He whose star now shines o'er all
May smile on those forsaken,
And glibly speak of better days,
But -- no action will be taken!The shiny, brand-new heads of sections,
Resplendent in their glory,
Will now no doubt, do all they can
To raise staff inventory.The lowly tasks which, heretofore,
Have been their common lots,
Must now be spread among
The ordinary clots!But now to tasks which must remain
Is added supervision,
Plus that on which some ulcers grow,
That painful thing -- decision.And so the sum effect of things
With the same old staff, at least,
Is to add to the total work,
So each worker's job's increased!And so since each has more to do,
On each phase he will do less,
And what all this will lead to next
Is anybody's guess!__Robert McDaniel
BON VOYAGE!
Within my floral-decked retreat
Old friends once more come me to greet,
To reminisce about the past;
Those forty years before the mast.We sailed around the Seven Seas
From Zanzibar to Hebrides,
But roving, now, is at an end;
In quiet ease our days we spend.A gentle smile with pensive air
Reflects a state that has no care,
As, by my side, friends eulogize
A life now shorn of earthly ties.Be not of downcast mien, old mates,
By what life's end eliminates;
Just think of voyaging on a sea
That reaches to infinity!__ Robert McDaniel
SPINSTERS' PRAYER
We really do not mind it,
We never have maligned it,
And truly, once a year is not enough;
If custom gave the say so,
It could possibly be more so,
'Cause waiting one whole year is rather rough!Since Fate has left us stranded,
Instead of being branded,
The Mistletoe is something to be favoured;
But to place our osculation,
On a once-a-yearly ration,
Is not to be particularly savoured.If you really do not want us,
Then, please sir, just don't taunt us,
With the spectre of a paltry, yearly kiss,
Just leave us here, heartbroken,
With but a phallic token
To remind us of those things we have to miss!__Robert McDaniel
THE MYSTERY
My mother never told me
When I was at her knee,
Just what the difference was between
The other sex and me,So when beset by natural urge,
This feeling I did purge,
Till I should find just with what sex
I was equipped to merge.My mother never cut my hair
It wasn't really fair,
For it made it harder still to find
With whom I'd make a pair.One day a man called me by name
To play a naughty game,
It seemed like fun, at first, until
I found we were the same.'Twas then I tried his love to shun
I thought this wasn't done;
But now I know, at last, of sex
There are not two -- just one!POWER FAILURE
The stealthy, creeping, seeping cold,
With osmotic motion oozed
Through the walls as midnight tolled
While, unaware, the sleepers snoozed.With numbing grip it crushed the life,
From out the pampered household plants,
While husband cuddled close to wife,
Unconsciously, not for romance!In other homes the unattached
Aroused from orgiastic dreams,
Their moral values gladly scratched
To facilitate survival schemes.Others sought in alcohol
Escape from the pervading frost,
But this resort did merely stall
The need for heat, ere all was lost.One crusty witch o'er candle hunched
Did sorely deprecate the scene
Around her as young lovers bunched
Caring not if they be seen.The damaged power plant, at last,
Repaired again, sent pulsing waves
Of heat; the numbing cold was past
But gone, too, joys the body craves.And, strange to say, there were regrets,
For, while a furnace has it place,
When chance appears, some place their bets
On nicer ways to save the race!__Robert McDaniel
ON THE BRIDEGROOM'S RETURN
"I've travelled far," the bridegroom says,
"And much of life I've seen."
"Of course!" his listeners all reply,
"Why else are you so lean?""When I set forth my aim was clear,
To soon assert whose boss;
With cunning I devised my plan
To get this aim across.""With subtle wit and rapier thrust
Of logic, I entreated;
My bride was loath to grant my right
But soon, outfoxed, retreated.""With alacrity I clinched my case,
And, as I'll now disclose,
My bride, in humble homage, placed
This ring that's through my nose."
WASTREL
How oft throughout the long still night
Does he go without a bite,
Dreaming of his long-lost love,
Who has cast him off like some worn glove.His brain is but a mass of swirls
As he dreams about his stolen girls;
Lost to those with lots of dough,
When his roll had ceased to glow.The oft-fleeced fool had never learned
That a penny saved is a penny earned;
And all through his embittered life,
He was forced to go without a wife.Just what was the fact he failed to glean
From all of life that he had seen;
'Twas simply that thru life's wide sweep,
He failed to look ere he made his leap.And so it was as life played out
He lay in bed inert with gout,
And round about was no one there,
Except his dog curled in a chair.We should not waste our words on him
Whom Fate has cast out on a limb;
He lived as he was wont to live,
And not a damn was heard to give.Thus live so many crazy coots
Who fail to see they should have roots,
And set aside some time for thought
On all the waste that they have wrought.__Robert McDaniel
WEE TAD
A small, pink babe has come our way,
Wriggling and gurgling most the day,
And in our hearts he's sure to stay,
Wee tad.So oft he'll lie and only sleep,
Hunger comes, then hear him weep,
Yet still we're glad he's ours to keep,
Wee tad.And since he's come into our home,
Happy are we no more to roam,
Just sit and try his fuzz to comb,
Wee tad.And so it's true we both agree,
That whatever by his destiny,
To us we're sure he'll always be,
Wee tad.__Robert McDaniel
THE INNER SANCTUM
There's Allan, and Burton, and Edgar, and Jack,
Not to mention friend Meyer, and Robert in back,
A jollier group can nowhere be found,
Tho' you search in and out, about and around.Now Allan's a sailor, a commander to boot,
He can name all the ports on any sea route,
While Burton, poor fellow, is lorn for romance,
He'd marry to-morrow, if he had the chance.Dear Edgar, the air chap, best accountant bar none,
Studies Russian, you know, but strictly for fun;
Old Jack is the boss, a down-to-earth skipper,
He does things so fast, his name should be Ripper!But if it's strictly the "low-down", just facts that you want~
For straight "gen" comrade Meyer's a regular font,
But if it's only the fat that you'd like to chew,
See Robert, the land man, with nothing to do.Now for Transport, I'm sorry to say that is all,
Except for one lass who oft pays a call;
Maid Marian's the mascot who follows St. John -
Odds Bodkins! Time flies, I'll see you anon!__Robert McDaniel
A LESSON FROM DOGS
A dog's life, we say is not for us,
Envisioning then some forlorn mutt,
But perhaps we ought this theme discuss,
Before our minds are wholly shut.How many hounds upon the streets
Can claim a blood completely pure?
How many friends you chance to meet
Can of their forbears be quite sure?But do these curs disdain to strut
Beside some beast of lesser breed,
To say they do adds further smut
On the universal canine creed.Apartheid, they've none, no colour bar,
A dog's a dog, whate'er his kind,
We humans need seek long and far,
If this state we are to find.Mayhap we ought revise our thoughts
On lives as lived by dogs,
Or risk becoming misbegots
In a world in which we're cogs.For dogs have found that which we seek,
To wit: to live in fruitful peace,
With Arab, Jew, Negro and Greek,
Until the world to turn does cease.__Robert McDaniel
MIDDLE AGE BULGE
When I fail to reach to my toes,
And find myself stretching the seams of my clothes,
And my waistcoat my stomach fails to enclose,
I begin to see where the food I eat goes;
Then added to all the rest of my woes,
Come diets, calisthenics, and gosh only knows -
But no matter how oft before the mirror I pose
This bulge round my middle unceasingly grows;
Yet, perhaps, if I were to do as Aunt Rose,
I could, with a girdle, my bay window transpose,
And then I could eat and relax or repose,
And still be as trim as those athletic pros!__Robert McDaniel
THE SHAPE
Whatever she has got
It rather seems a lot
And something that she really ought to share.
If she only had but one
It wouldn't be much fun
But eye research suggests she has a pair!One day the boys in back
Decided they did lack
The concrete data that surely would confirm
That behind the neat façade
That tantalized each lad
Was a form quite statistically firm.And so it came to pass
They trapped this winsome lass
And forthwith taped her shape from stem to stern;
This wasn't without fuss
And a fair amount of muss -
Their efforts the poor lass did try to spurn.In silent admiration
They viewed their mensuration
And swore the like could only be in heaven;
And wondered when on earth
Some lad would get his worth
Of 35-27-37!__Robert McDaniel
NATURAL LAW
The thrill of the sunshine that follows the rain
May stand as a symbol of life
Which, in spite of the damage of war-torn terrain,
Will always survive the cruel strife.How oft in the throes of a horrible mood
Can one turn to the solace of nature;
But, alas, not for long, for none can elude
The long arm of the legislature.But laws, tho' man-made, have a natural source
Which always we try discover,
And when the mystery is solved, at last, in due course
Our solace again we'll recover.Yet once in each life we find this sweet state
But about it not one word is said,
Because when laws and nature do mate
We are (what a pity!) quite dead!__Robert McDaniel
SCHOOLBOY'S LAMENT
There is nothing like the springtime
With its exhilarating air;
It makes me want to romp and play
To toss away all care.But sure as Fate, there comes a chore
Which annually damns
Me to those worst two weeks a year,
Those nasty things - exams!I've often wondered why it is,
When joy is all about
That I'm confined inside to read
When it's much more pleasant out.It seems to me, as I think back,
That if I'd been much dumber
I could have left this dreary school
And lived all year like summer.But then I think of all the nights
When poor old Dad has tried
To help me with this homework stuff
Where his efforts were defied.And so I turn back to my books
'Cause it's a fact I'd rather
(Tho' Daddy this would not admit)
Be smarter than my father!__Robert McDaniel
SAGA OF THE SPACE EXPLORERS
All hail to the Space Age!
Let's off to the moon!
Don't tarry a minute,
We can't leave too soon!Thar's gold in them craters;
It's ours for the taking.
Come sign on my space ship,
I'll prove I'm not faking!Why shy now, my hearties!
Let me put you at ease --
E'en if there's no bullion,
There's a fortune in cheese!What's this now? Still lagging?
No blood in your veins?
Or is it just bilge
As runs in our drains?Well, this much I'1l say, lads:
'Tain't all crumpets and tea.
And before you're in ermine,
You may damned-near-dead be!Ah now! that's the spirit!
Don't push! Room for all!
(Except for you, lad,
I'm afraid you're too tall!)All in? Close the hatches!
Let's blast off the pad!
We're off on a journey
Such as we've never had!And so off soared our spacemen,
Out toward the stars:
Sad to say, missed the moon,
But landed on Mars!And the last that we heard
Was that each met a gal,
And is now raising Martians,
By a Martian canal!__Robert McDaniel
CAR FEVER
There is nothing like a car -
A car to polish, wash and pamper,
A car with which to play and tamper,
A car to take me to all places,
Including camp, and sulky races.
I would like to own a car.
But after payments, gas, insurance,
My pay'd be strained beyond endurance!__Robert McDaniel
JINGLE CONTESTS
There's one thing I really cannot resist,
Though my friends all hopelessly cry "Please desist!"
And though my head spins, and though my nerves tingle,
I simply must find a last line to that jingle!There's money and cruises and fur coats galore
If I only could think of that just one line more;
I've bought boxes and boxes of soap flakes and waxes
Till my money's all gone and there's none left for taxes.Now some folk may drink and some others use dope,
But I'm in a group which is quite beyond hope;
Whenever I'm faced with a truncated stanza
A line I must think of to win that bonanza!__Robert McDaniel
AUNT MATILDA
The day my Aunt Matilda came
Gave me quite a start
For she's the one (my mother said)
Who's something of a tart!She didn't walk like other dames,
But rather sort of slinked
Which made me wonder oft at night
With what her past was linked.My mother she was always one
To dress right to the letter,
But Aunt Matilda, well, somehow,
Seemed to fill her clothes much better!I heard my Dad tell Mr. Jones
(Our neighbour from next door)
That while my Aunt looked rather nice
She's really just a - bore!With this I couldn't quite agree,
I thought she made the scene,
But, then, it hadn't come to me
Daddy meant it as a screen.Since Dad knew how to size up gals
In one way or another
I'm really not surprised at all
That Aunt Tillie's now my mother!__Robert McDaniel
MONDAY
It started off
A lovely day.
I rose quite bright,
Then shaved.
I kissed the wife
A lusty buss - I really felt a knave!
A merry tune
Danced in my head,
I whistled
As I dressed,
And ate my breakfast
With a smile
Then dashed
To work with zest.
All others, too,
Felt this their day,
And smiled
As I went by;
I reached my desk
Ahead of time,
And went to work
In high;
I placed my hands
Upon my knees
To straighten out
The crease -
Imagine my surprise to find
My trousers had been left behind!__Robert McDaniel
NUCLEAR AFTERMATH
'Neath leaden skies
The naked trees
Stand all alone.A sad-eyed dog
Without a home
Gnaws on a bone.Some walking dead
Stroll aimlessly
Till death is due.The scene all round
Is one bereft
Of kindly hue.From somewhere far
Old Malthus sees
His threats dissolved.His Man/Land squeeze
Man's genius has
At last resolved!__Robert McDaniel
THE HAPLESS OAF
He sits in total disrepute
Amid his rags and filthy suit,
A forlorn sight whom all disdain
Except to strike him with a cane.What didst this lousy wretch commit
To put him where he now does sit?
The stupid one did deign stretch out
To touch the Princess' hem, the lout!The evidence was plain to see,
Two smudged spots below her knee;
But all knew, too, that 'neath her smile
The Princess felt dishonour vile.All the Knights from miles around
Rode in, this lowly clot to pound;
But there was one, with eye so chill,
He boldly claimed he'd come to kill!"Stand back, make way, my duty's clear,
To cleanse the honour of our Princess dear,
This beggarly sot, unkempt, unfed,
Must pay the penalty with his head!"Great cheers did greet these gallant words,
And Heaven joined in with swarms of birds;
Then silence just as quickly fell --
Not one dared wake the Dead in Hell.The Knight strode forth, broad sword in hand,
No finer blade in all this land;
"Look well, my lad, at this true sword,
'Twill soon unite you with your Lord!"But now 'tis time to end this tale
Of this woebegone, impassioned male;
The Moral, chaps, is plainly this:
"Keep your cotton-pickin' hands off a Royal Miss!"__Robert McDaniel
TO A FRIEND GOING INTO NATURAL GAS
Ta Ta, old pal -
It has been fun
To have you 'round
To shed some sun
Upon the grim
Unending quest,
Which leaves us here
No time for rest.At times, 'tis true,
You're in a fog -
A bluish haze
Of rum-soaked smog.
We wonder if
'Twas not a screen,
So you could snooze
And not be seen!But really, Pop,
We'll miss your smile,
Your presence which
Eased things a while.
In your new field
Of natural gas,
We know, as here,
You'll all surpass.__Robert McDaniel
TO A YOUNG LADY LEAVING TO BE MARRIED
Prithee, fair Maid,
Wouldst be wife
And thereby end
Your worldly strife?Wouldst leave us here
Like helpless gnomes,
Quite lost among
Your many tomes?Wouldst take from us
Your lilting talk,
Your winsome smile,
Your charming walk?But need we ask?
Your eager eyes
Response supplies -
Thou wouldst!__Robert McDaniel
HORSE SENSE
A horse there was
Who would not start,
He'd rather sit
Than pull his cart.This wouldn't do,
It didn't pay,
So what the heck?
But natch! No hay!One day there came
His way a mare,
Whose winsome wink
Showed she's no square!No longer sad,
His life's enriched;
Cart's lighter now
That both are hitched!__Robert McDaniel
THE NIGHT-WORKER
The pitter-patter of little feet,
May thrill the the parental heart,
But when I'm off a night-long beat,
I wish that they'd depart!Now, please, I ask, don't get me wrong;
I think the world of kids.
That's why I often stay so long,
To play with brother Sid's.I'm not the sort to rant and rave;
I lead a quiet life;
And p'raps because it's peace I crave,
I never took a wife!But I would make this one request
To all prolific pairs:
Please give some thought to poor Joe Doakes,
The bloke who sleeps downstairs!__Robert McDaniel
JEAN
An Angel of Mercy,
A bringer of Joy,
A creature of Wonder,
I'm glad she's no Boy!A thrill to the senses,
A vision in white,
A dream ne'er forgetten,
What a beautiful sight!An ace in the kitchen,
A charmer in bed,
A dear with her patients,
What more can be said!__Robert McDaniel
THE MEASLY MALE
LINES WRITTEN IN A HOSPITAL BEDHe sits;
He thinks;
He sometimes blinks;
(Tho' nurse will swear that they were winks)
He dabbles paper, pen and inks,
Or gazes sadly on the links;
Or sometimes, when he's in high jinks,
You'll find him fishing in the sinks!
Now if it's from the cold he shrinks
He'll clamber walls to fill the chinks.
Or if, nose alert, he's sniffing stinks,
You'll know he's on the prowl for minks.
But, what's that you say, you other ginks?
He's flat in bed, back full of kinks?
But wait, stand back! Great widdly-tinks,
There, he's on the ceiling, hunting lynx!
How oft within these small precincts,
Has he stepped up to disasters' brinks!
And now away the daytime slinks
Casting lambent rays of pinks;
Until tomorrow, then, good ninx!!__Robert McDaniel
FRUSTRATED HOPES
Hustling and bustling the words tumble forth,
Pushing and shoving to see who'll be first!
There's "dearest", then "darling", next "sweetheart",
and "dear",
Followed closely by "honey", "my pet" and -- that's queer,
For suddenly without either wink or a hint
Come forth new treasures as though from a mint,
"My precious", "my jewel", "my ruby", "my pearl",
My oh my, but she is a most wonderful girl!
She has plucked out my heart and hid it away,
She has promised to return it with interest one day.
But stand aside as the words rush again
My goodness, there seems to be simply no end!
"My lovely, my only, my sweet, charming bride
How I yearn to forever rest close by your side!
To hold you, caress you, to soothe all your cares,
To sample your exciting, mysterious wares."
But from out of the blue with inexorable calm
Comes a new voice, passionless, quiet yet warm:
"Now steady down lad, mend your amorous ways,
This is the time of those "difficult days".FIGHT FOR DESTINY'S CHILD
Stand firm, thou struggling human race,
For whom the world's a fleeting base,
And think ye of your future place,
E'er all is lost.If think ye that your life is nowt,
Then, blast ye, for your weakening doubt,
Your enemies ye ne'er shall rout,
Tho' great the cost.But if ye ken that life is braw,
Then stand ye forth, defend your law,
And strike with might, tho' blood run raw,
In fury tossed.Thy destiny see crystal clear;
From out the truths that you hold dear
Shall rise a man not knowing fear,
Nor hearts of frost.In future, Man shall seek his goal
In helping others fill their role.
In infinitum, he'll greet his soul,
When space is crossed.__Robert McDaniel
CRY FROM THE SNAKE PIT
The long, long hours slowly pass,
Each second lingering long,
How long must I remain this way,
Without a hope in Hell?Agonizing thoughts reflect
Upon a life gone wrong.
My future seemed assured, when young;
Iron gates now sound my knell.The pain and misery that I feel
My family suffers, too;
To feed the waifs sprung from her loins,
My wife herself must sell.What disease has seized my brain
That I must suffer here?
A curse upon the gods on high,
For I'll n'er more be well!__Robert McDaniel
PUIR SCOTTIE
A forlorn lad among the clans;
A lad whom no one understands;
He only tried to do the thing
To stop old winter's icy sting!
But now he stands alone, outcast,
A victim of decrees long past -
For shame's on him who is found guilty
Of wearing snuggies 'neath his kiltie!__Robert McDaniel
THE LEWD PRUDE
O little maid,
So very staid,
What do you do for fun?
All day you wear
Above your hair
A halo like the sun.We know there lies
Behind those eyes
A naughty little brain,
Which tries to hide
Somewhere inside
A lust that's quite insane!Sometimes like toys,
You'll play with boys,
But only as a joke;
But tho' you try,
The boys won't buy
A pig what's in a poke!The years may go
As yet quite slow,
But soon the toll will tell -
Too late 'twill be
When then you see
You've nothing left to sell!__Robert McDaniel
COOL, CLEAR WATER
The titillating rhythm of that palpitating band
Follows me, and haunts me across the burning sand;
Babbling brooks, and rushing streams appear before my eyes,
But as I near some languid pools, they quickly volatize.I slowly slog with sodden step across the sandy strand
And still nowhere can I escape the taunting of that band;
As on I press with thickening tongue, I falter once or twice,
Oh, what I would give for just one cube of frosty, sparkling ice!This screeching music in my head I'm sure does sound my knell,
But after what I've gone through now, what worse can be in hell?
But suddenly, when all seems lost, a voice is heard to say -
"O.K.! Cut! Your acting's fine, so let's call it a day!"__Robert McDaniel
HEAT WAVE
The slowly floating leaves of green
Wafting in the rising heat
Lull to sleep the most alert
When, with food, they are replete.The ever-present steady hum
Of fans, which stir the sodden air,
Induce soporific dreams
And idle thoughts devoid of care.The mounting mercury indicates
By inverse ratio that the brain
Will soon its ponderings slowly halt
Or grind ahead in throbbing pain.The tiny rivulets of brine
Run down from springs in tousled hair,
Despoiling with unfeeling ease
The ruby lips of damsels fair.Above the buildings, rising high,
Nature's forces form their ranks,
And soon will rout the dead'ning heat
That presses now on all our flanks.With thunderous claps the battle starts,
And soon a watery deluge drowns
The fiery furnace that was earth
Composed of myriad, molten towns.Nature now disbands her force
And among the fast dispersing clouds
Rays of sunshine filter down
And soon awake the dozing crowds.__Robert McDaniel
MEYER'S PARTY
Come nigh to me
And I shall tell
About the night
I spent in Hell.It started well
(They always do)
But boiled up soon
Like a witches' brew.We started off
At comrade Meyer's
Where vodka flowed
To feed the fires.My friends about
With dev'lish glee
Fed fishes' eggs
And cheese to me.Good humour waxed
As sorrow waned,
Tho' truth to tell
P'raps some was feigned!The party aged
And heads did whirl
When suddenly
Arrived a pearl.This angel waved
The devils fled
'Twas then I thought
"Now home to bed!"'Twas not to be -
One hurdle still;
This Waterloo
Would cause me ill.The end came fast -
The spirits shrieked
And soon on me
Their vengeance wreaked.Within my guts
A turmoil tossed
As salmon roe
And sturgeon crossed.While thru my veins
There surged a fight
As Slavic brawn
Met Scottish might.My stomach rolled,
Turned turtle, too,
Then up it came
A vodka stew!The storm abates
And leaves behind
As sad a wreck
As you may find.At last to bed,
But not my own,
I could not help
Where I was thrown.And there I died
But was to rise
I'm here, you see,
I tell no lies.I come again
To warn you well
'Gainst Slavic booze -
Or go to Hell!__Robert McDaniel
CONFESSIONS OF AN INTELLIGENCE ANALYST
Throughout the long unending day
What do we do to earn our pay?
It isn't much, may we tell you --
But sit and wish the day were through.The paper which flows through our hands
Would reach from here to many lands,
But what is really said in all
Would hardly fill a booklet small.With mystic and clairvoyant air
Intelligence seeks the truth to bare;
But if the truth were really known
The public would not us condone.Behind our locked and soundproofed doors,
We're all a frightful lot of bores
Who try to make of common sense
A trade whereby to pay our rents.Our aim is, then, not hard to find,
'Tis not to probe the Russian mind,
But here to stay, tho' come hellfire
Until the day that we retire!__Robert McDaniel
MOONFLIGHT
From some remote Siberian place
An object flashes into space;
Twice round the earth it quickly goes
Then t'ward the moon it turns its nose.
The miles slip by too fast to count
While back on earth excitements mount.
All o'er astronomers through their 'scopes
Watch patiently with highest hopes
To see what is without a doubt
The first returning lunar scout!
"At last", gasps one, "It's into view!"
"Move o'er", cry all, "Let me see, too!"
They look in wonderment at the sight,
"My gosh!", one moans, "My wife was right,
'Twas in a book - I know not how,
But there it is - a Jersey cow!"__Robert McDaniel
THOUGHTS ON SPUTNIK II
A dog now spins about the earth
In what we're told's a cozy berth,
And soon, they say, there'll be an ape
To tap out data on a tape.Some other folks say they'll try bugs
To activate electric plugs;
So what with rats, and monkeys, too,
We soon will have a spatial zoo!__Robert McDaniel
GUARDIAN ANGEL
She hears duty's call quite clarion clear
From out the evening's waning hours
And clear-eyed, alert, without fear,
She goes forth in shine or showers.In radiant splendor, crisply white,
With lamp in hand she roams
Throughout the dreary, lonesome night
To soothe some fevered domes.She lightly trips from bed to bed
Like some lithesome, sylvan elf,
But when all is done, with feet of lead,
She gladly hits the sack herself!__Robert McDaniel
CAT LOVER
There is nothing like my kitty,
With his fur so soft and pretty,
And except when it is nitty
(Which is really quite a pity)
He'll do well in any city
Just because he is so witty.
Farewell, this ends my ditty.__Robert McDaniel
ALLAN SAYS GOOD-BYE
Released, at last, from servile toil,
When grubby papers hands did soil,
Away from him whose glabrous pate
Contained the torments of my fate.Three thousand miles 'twixt heaven and hell,
No longer murderous moods to quell!
Just to lie on Thames' green banks
And watch the scudding clouds form ranks.And yet, a certain sadness clings,
Regret at leaving homely things -
A not unbounded joy is mine
As thoughts turn to those left behind.But deep within me dwells, I fear,
A long-suppressed, triumphant cheer;
The Devil take you! I'm all righty -
I'm off, thank god, to dear old Blighty!__Robert McDaniel
J.I.B.
This motley crew
What do they do
Within their narrow, cluttered halls?
Couldst be they just
Permit the dust
To infiltrate their crowded stalls?To think up briefs
To tell the chiefs
Is said to be their aim in life,
But all for naught
Might be their lot
Should end appear to worldly strife.But, selfless souls!
Their nation's goals
Are all they keep before their eyes;
They will continue
From nine till five
To find some truth in Russian lies.What noble trait
Each one have they
To labour long with tongue discreet -
Some inner voice
Leaves them no choice --
For even the elite must eat!__Robert McDaniel
TO BERTIE ON HIS DAY
Oh joy! Oh boy! To wed, to woo --
With single life I'm nearly through;
I've pondered long o'er graph and map
To find where I should set my trap!At last some unsuspecting miss
Has snatched the bait, a perfumed kiss;
A winsome lass, with contours fair --
I'll best survey them in my lair.The day is soon when we'll be wed
To never part until we're dead.
Then comes the night alone, when she
With smile demure hands me the key!O'er hill and dale we'll seek love's dream
Until we reach the peak supreme
At which sweet point we'll cry for joy
And wonder if 'twill be a boy!With this, dear chaps, I take my leave.
I, be assured, seek no reprieve,
My duty clear before me is
For God, and Pope, and Good Queen Liz!__Robert McDaniel
HE RAN THE GAUNTLET
He slouched, a sordid figure, drawn,
With gaunt and haggard mien,
His eyes burned like two small red suns;
What Hell has this chap seen?His feeble, trembling body shook,
His voice came very shrill;
One look at him and one could tell
He was feeling somewhat ill!And yet there was some inner light
Which darted from his eyes.
A quiet glow of triumph to which
Appearance gave the lie!Well might he bear a prideful look
For there are few who dare
To drive full round at five o'clock
Confederation Square!** Confederation Square is the site of the National War Memorial in Ottawa.
__Robert McDaniel
INELUCTABLE DESTINY
The Fates one day all gathered round
To brew a bitter brew
In which to drown some mortal joy
That sorrow might ensue.They brooded o'er their mystic charts
With cold and cruel eyes
Until, at last, the spell was done
And cast, the fateful dies.Two souls set forth in guileless faith
To their appointed place;
The Fates, in silent glee, stood by
Each a leer upon its face.Each victim rolled inexorably on,
The seal of doom was stamped,
And as the minutes hastened passed,
The final setting clamped.Last seconds passed, a blur of light,
A screeching crash, and then,
Amid the sound of tinkling glass
Fair joy did meets its end.And so, dear friends, please bear in mind
What the Fates decree must be,
And, in truth, each victim cries
"The blame lies not with me!"__Robert McDaniel
THE LADY KILLER
He takes them in his fond embrace,
And croons about the moon,
But when he tries to end love's chase
They fall into a swoon.What has he that girls act this way?
Is it some weird hypnosis?
Alas, his friends themselves won't tell
That he has halitosis!__Robert McDaniel
SHADES OF BRIDEY MURPHY
Away, away, foul loathesome thing,
Above whose decayed form does rise
A ghost-like wraith which low does sing
About its premature demise.Cruel, although omniscient Fate,
Decreed that this should come to pass
And to itself did arrogate
The right to give the coup-de-grace.So, soft then, now, departed breath,
Mourn not for him whose breast you've left;
But, mark you, that from birth to death,
He was caught in a strangling weft.A mystic faith consumed his soul
And naught was left of him but shell,
Which made of him some maddened troll
Thus destined then to go to HellBut now, dear soul, his faith lies low
Within the ashes of his tomb
Permitting you to rise, and go,
And cast away your air of gloom.But let me give some sage advice
If you would escape damnation:
Beware of Reds when next you splice
When seeking your reincarnation!__Robert McDaniel
COGITATIONS ON A MUSEUM SKULL
Your wide-eyed look,
Your flashing smile,
Your enigmatic air,
Must really have
Been something great,
When wrapped in skin so fair.Your sex I'm not
So sure about,
But suppose you're not a Joe,
I would have liked
To take you out
Two thousand years ago!__Robert McDaniel
FIRST ANNIVERSARYA whole short year has come and gone,
My, how time goes on and on!
And yet, it's true since I met you
That time seems but a month or two.And in the year that we've been twain,
You've seldom used the ball and chain;
And, too, you've only cracked the whip
Just when I needed extra zip!It's true at times I've been a cad,
And maybe sometimes downright bad;
And even Bessie, 'neath her hood,
Was sometimes less than "Do be good!"But while this year has been a trial,
You've always borne up with a smile;
And if it's all the same with you --
Let's go another year or two!__Robert McDaniel
ON ED'S BIRTHDAY
He steers his course in steadfast calm,
Though years may roll apace,
While grey bespecked his hair may be,
Forever young, his face.Revolving seasons, green and brown,
Go by - he pays no heed,
The task of tracking aircraft down
Leaves little time indeed.The' changes come and flaps blaze up,
When all is done and said,
With patient air and quiet mien,
You'll find our dear old Ed!__Robert McDaniel
PINK ELEPHANTS
For ages and ages
In various stages
I've often considered romance;
But the' the years pass
I'm still with no lass
'Cause never have I learned to dance!How cruel it all seems
That the girl of my dreams
Never ever appears to go fishing;
But I guess that is fate
I am stuck for a date
And I may as well fish as be wishing.But perhaps before long
Just like in a song
The girl meant for me will come tripping;
She will come from the past,
And may not for long last,
Just like and the beers I've been sipping!__Robert McDaniel
TWO-TIMED!
He lives in pain,
The forlorn swain;
Through all his dreams
Her face just beams.
And as he longs
To hear her songs,
He does not know
What is quite so --
That she goes out
With another lout!__Robert McDaniel
APARTHEID
Proud stalwart race,
With pallid face,
What end's for you in store?
When is the date
That's set by Fate
When you shall be no more?The seething mass
May you surpass
One day when you are weak;
What think you when,
O haughty men,
Your noses they do tweak?Best mark you now
To take a vow
To end your foolish ways --
Or else your sons
May be the ones
'Gainst whom the balance weighs!__Robert McDaniel
THE DUNDERHEAD
Gone is our shield;
Bereft are we of that brave soul
Who stood twixt us (in Horatius' role)
And dunderhead.Alone we stand;
However, with uplifted mien
We do not care if we be seen
By dunderhead.We shall not fail;
Tho' oft he comes to try our wits
And drive us into raving fits,
Old dunderhead.Down, down, dear chaps,
Along these narrow halls I hear
Soft shuffling sounds - Alas, I fear
'Tis dunderhead.Remember Jack!
With this clear call we man our posts,
And wait to act as gen'rous hosts
To dunderhead.His pate appears,
It soon lies low caught in the swath
Of a snarling dissonance of wrath,
Poor dunderhead.The skylarks sing,
So happily we greet the sun
For all is joy - Except for one,
That dunderhead.The field is ours;
So soft and brown his doggy eyes
He looks at us with woeful sighs,
Sad dunderhead.But, suddenly, his eyes turn cold,
The dunderhead is quickly bold!
He draws forth his pen, and with a fine flourish,
He fires us all for being so boorish!__Robert McDaniel
THE CRAZY COOT!
How oft throughout the long still night
Does he go without a bite,
Dreaming of his long-lost love
Who has cast him off like some worn out glove!His brain is but a mass of swirls
As he dreams of his stolen girls,
Lost to those with lots of dough
When his roll had ceased to glow.The oft-fleeced fool had never learned
That a penny saved, was a penny earned,
And all through his embittered life
He was forced to go without a wife.Just what was the fact he failed to learn
From all of life that he had seen?
'Twas simply that thru life's wide sweep
He oft failed to look e'er he made his leap.And so it was as life played out
He lay in bed inert with gout,
And round about was no one there
Except his dog curled in a chair.We cannot waste our words on him
Whom Fate has cast out on a limb
He lived as he was wont to live
And not a hoot was heard to give.Thus live so many crazy coots
Who fail to see they should have roots,
And set aside some time for thought
Of all the waste that they have wrought.__Robert McDaniel
USED CAR BUYER
The perseverant salesman with the automatic smile
I'm sure can see me coming when I'm yet away a mile,
And tho' I do my very best to be nonchalant and cool
Before my eyes, as on he raves, each car becomes a jewel!I try to sidle by the lot with quick, but casual, glances
For on meeting salesmen I'm not taking any chances;
I'll often take a furtive peek within some car's interior,
But then I'll calmly stroll away, lest my motive's thought ulterior.I've often heard discussed at length the power of the press,
And, in terms of politics, this theory's right, I guess;
But the power which I fear, which makes my blood run cold,
Is wielded by the used car man as he triumphantly cries "Sold!"__Robert McDaniel
PROGRESSIVE EDUCATION
Now please don't get hysterical
It's only hypothetical
That this earth has but a billion years to go,
And it's mere extrapolation
That the earth's whole population
May soon be treading on each other's toe!When couched in terms statistical
Plain truth may seem quite mystical,
But figures, please recall, are known to lie;
So don't let science blind you
Just hide, and it won't find you,
And remember, sputniks are but saucers in the sky.The aim of education
For the younger generation
Is to fit them for a social life of ease,
And things like basket-weaving
Are quite well worth achieving,
Or any other thing which them may please.So let's not be abysmal
Nor let our thoughts be dismal
Nor soil our hands in all this scientific dirt;
Let's eat, drink and be merry
And with our brains be chary
'Cause it's true that with no sense we can't be hurt!__Robert McDaniel
ALLAN TO A DEGREE
His self-appointed task decreed
That long he work e'er he be freed;
And thus it was for many years
Naught for him but sweat and tears.While others played without a care
Not once of success did he despair,
But turned his face toward old McGill
And quaffed another "no-nod" pill!In dreams he saw those scenes serene
Of grain boats plying old Lachine;
But working nights with eyes grown dim
He'd wish that stream would swallow him.His own dear wife worked by his side
At times from dawn till eventide,
And rarely of her could it be said
They also serve who wait in bed!Sometimes the lad was gone for days
In hot pursuit of an elusive phrase;
He would not rest till his the right
To be among the erudite.Then came the day the judges sat;
The candidates' names were all in a hat.
A quick shuffle, a speech, a ticket was drawn,
Now for Allan, MA, his cares are all gone!__Robert McDaniel
CHANGING TIMES
To study the innards of a goat,
And then their portents duly note,
Was the task of priests of old
To guide the future of their fold.But modern men plot human tides
To find what there the future hides,
As brokers on the stock exchange
Predict share prices future range.But, alas, it seems that retrogression
Has of us ta'en full possession;
For now to tell time's future hour,
We watch the heart of Eisenhower!** Dwight Eisenhower was U.S. president when this was written.
__Robert McDaniel
GRATITUDE
I should not scold;
He's hardly old
Enough to know
When he should go.Still, on my lap
I let him nap.
Now shouldn't he
Quite grateful be?And yet,
He wet!__Robert McDaniel
THE LAND MAN'S FAREWELL
With saddened een I look around
At things I know so well;
My sturdy desk, my stalwart safes -
As memories crowd pell-mell.I think upon these past twelve months,
Which have forever passed,
And realize how much they've brought
In changes that will last.I came a simple, single soul,
But now a wife I've ta'en,
But as these lines will clearly show,
Still simple I remain.My mentors four have counselled well;
I leave a better man,
I go to blaze a distant trail,
To broaden Transport's span.In fond farewell I grasp each hand,
Each hides a reddened ee,
But, as a parting wish, Ed cries:
"Shchastlyvovo puti!" ** Transliteration of the Russian for "Bon voyage!".
__Robert McDaniel
ON LEAVING JIB
Fond farewells are lightly tinged with sorrow
As here I stand in ineluctable tomorrow.
Behind me wind the labrynthine halls of JIB,
Where fate in kindness 3 long years allotted me.Green doors enclosed a place of humid summer heat
Wherein the acrid stench of paper made complete
A sweaty force, in which was hammered out so true
A strangely softened, safely sterile Canadian point of view!Around me in this steamy place were stalwart friends
Who nurtured well the spirit that comradeship lends
To a task otherwise tedious, endless, devoid,
Of any inherent interest which might have made it enjoyed.At the hub of operations with aplomb and poise
Was Frances daily sorting the work out to the boys;
A model of the virtue, Patience, and with a lively wit,
Even with the going roughest, she'd never dream to quit!Within these cloistered walls debates would last for hours,
On matters which, though of concern, were no concern of ours!
But fun they were, and them I'll miss no doubt the most,
And in future to participate I shall gladly play the host.Now from the grand affairs of state I turn away,
To deal with life as people live it day to day;
The unpretentious, scared, confused, beat generation off the street,
It now upon me falls to greet.And so, adieu, to you who daily spot and plot
The tides which rule the lives of men in lands I now know not --
Because the world that I see is comprised not of nations,
But of railways, and highways, and transshipment stations!__Robert McDaniel
The following three poems were written by three colleagues in JIB on my departure from that establishment in August 1958.
The back room bard is anxious, his inspiration gone,
His pen is dry, his paper blank, his pencil point is worn.
For what on earth can he write about, when all he sees each day,
Are people leaving armies, while he damn well has to stay?And when he travels far afield in search for new recruits
He often thinks of the good old days when railways were just routes.
For then his only interest in the nasty, oily things,
Was whether they could run or not and carry warlike things.He yearns and wishes only that that great day will come,
When he can be a geographer and consult with everyone.
For geographic consulting is the coming, moneyed job,
When everyone is screaming for the advice of good old Bob.The back room bard has left us, his poems are no more.
What shall we do in J.I.B. when life becomes a bore?
We must appoint another poet, but it will not be the same
For MacDee's poetic licence made all our work a game.__Jack Trotman (Jack was the Head of our section at JIB)
A LAMENT ON MCD'S DEPARTURE
You're only gone a fortnight
For us two weeks of fright,
We've tried to do without you
But miss you, day and night.In dark days past
We'd stare aghast
At world confusion and disquiet
Which took us from our peaceful lots
And threw us all before the mast.When you were here we'd lots of fun;
When flaps were on to you we'd run
For solace; and soothed by gems of perfect verse
The world would seem to shuck the curse.Now that you're gone,
When flaps are on
Our desks seem to reflect a harsher glow
Of who did this, and why is that,
And when, and how? We need those answers here, right now!The stream of solace from your pen
Brings not the comfort it did then.
We salute you Bob McD,
Departed bard of J.I.B.__Meyer Levadie
So take this gong, no finer, none. It confirmeth you as Bard, Grade I.
__Ed Burwash